penguinfaery: (random- "Well shit...that was anti clima)
Terra ([personal profile] penguinfaery) wrote2017-01-17 11:59 am

I need some crackers to go with this.....

I'm sitting here going "If only I had some place to write about and digest what I am thinking about....oh hey."

My mental health has been shit. And I know I need to do things about it. But I also...part of what's wrong is how utterly hopeless I feel about the world and insurance and health and where all that is going with our wonderful new...political situation. It is hard enough to fight through my hatred of doctors period, it gets harder when I need long term solutions, and I am pretty sure there are only short term ones. But I also know...that doesn't matter. I need to do these things one way or another. I'm hurting people, and I don't wanna lose people. My anxiety and depression (and paranoia?) are going bonkers, and my back pain is spiraling away from manageable.

I hard, having everything I enjoy feel gross and tainted by my stupid brain. I wanna go indulge in stupid fandom shit, and then I feel so...unwelcome and unwanted. And I know my brain is making me look at shit that doesn't matter. Like tumblr notes. But at the same time instead of enjoying my fandom I see like...all these posts with art with 1000s of notes and mine had...3. Which were all me.

And that just adds into my "I have no creativity and nothing worthwhile to offer if I'm not copying dead artist." fail cycle.

I feel like an awkward ugly duckling, and that everything I do or say just...pushes me away. And then I wanna push farther away and shut down and just not keep trying. But that...just makes the cycle worse.

I finally felt silly and happy in a few fandoms again, and I hate that, especially when I really need it, I can't sorta...dive into that. Because the last few weeks it makes me unhappy as much as it makes me happy, and like...ugh it's just bullshit that something that should be silly and happy and not seriouse my brain is like "Suck it." And I know it's cause the real issues, the big things are...too big to process, I'm too powerless. So instead my brain would rather be like "Hey how about we look at this 15 years old's amazing fan art with 5000 notes and think about how you're nothing." (I am for refrence, NOT doing that. But it just sucks because...I wanna look at pretty fanart? I wanna see the beauty in this world, and instead it just doesn't look like anything to me)

Fun times.

At least art wise I am trying to get some project to pull me out of it. But at the same time I have like...40 prints to make by Drag Con in April. I think I found a little project I am excited about that will stretch me and is manageable.

Art is suppose to be my solace and I think that is what is wearing me down so hard. I was working on this 4 page comic about GLBT rights and it was amazing and then...we were blocked from publishing it (which I may or may write more on, I just...dunno the legal standing right now) and I just...I was riding so high on that and then it was snatched out from under me, and there's a handful of other little hits like that and just.

Ugh. IDK. I dunno if writing this out has helped. But hopefully.