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penguinfaery) wrote2008-09-25 08:11 pm
penguinfaery) wrote2008-09-25 08:11 pm
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So I had a really crappy ass day, and really don't wanna be alone right now, and the person I really want/need to talk to is not around.
Awesome.
My mom's friend Fred dieda few months ago. It wasn't super unexpected, he'd had a bunch of heart attacks previously. They were just having the memorial today because it was Fred and Sharon's 50th anniversary's, and all their kids had made the travel arrangements anyway. That's not really what I got upset about. Fred was a great guy, but I didn't know him that well.
But it'd gotten me thinking about death. Which is a very bad thing.
I'm terrified of death. Not of dying. I'm not worried about that at all (I'll be dead), but others dying before me. When my mom had cancer, I had HUGE issues with death (Obviously, an 8 year old about to lose their mom? Yeah.) And this year, I think why the puppies hit me so hard at the beginning of the year (Besides the heartbreaking feeling of losing a puppy) is because it woke that all up inside. I think my shitty memory recall might actually be a coping mechanism for that, but I can't...I can't handle death. People dying. Especially people I love. I can't express how much that freaks me out...I know it doesn't please anyone, but I literally can NOT think about it without falling apart. If we have a discussion and I'm not? It's because internally I'm keeping it super superficial.
Anyway, I'm like...falling apart now. My friend Toni found out today that a friend of hers from High School had died. I managed to stay together for her, but like...the though of someone dying so young, and seeing Toni like that, who's to me so incredibly strong a person in that respect just...I'm falling apart. I barely got through dinner normally with my dad, and just wanted to come home and curl up with/be around one of my babies, none of whom are around. Mom finally got home and chilled me out a bit.
My brain just keeps pulling apart at it. It keeps resting at the fact that everyone was asked to wear chucks to the funeral. It hit me so hard. All I can see is a church full of sobbing teenagers all with bright colored chucks.
And I don't know how to tell my mom that giving me an arm full of puppies does NOT in fact, make anything better.
And my radio was stolen. Awesome.
And I'm going into a finicial crisis with no job. Double awesome.
Awesome.
My mom's friend Fred dieda few months ago. It wasn't super unexpected, he'd had a bunch of heart attacks previously. They were just having the memorial today because it was Fred and Sharon's 50th anniversary's, and all their kids had made the travel arrangements anyway. That's not really what I got upset about. Fred was a great guy, but I didn't know him that well.
But it'd gotten me thinking about death. Which is a very bad thing.
I'm terrified of death. Not of dying. I'm not worried about that at all (I'll be dead), but others dying before me. When my mom had cancer, I had HUGE issues with death (Obviously, an 8 year old about to lose their mom? Yeah.) And this year, I think why the puppies hit me so hard at the beginning of the year (Besides the heartbreaking feeling of losing a puppy) is because it woke that all up inside. I think my shitty memory recall might actually be a coping mechanism for that, but I can't...I can't handle death. People dying. Especially people I love. I can't express how much that freaks me out...I know it doesn't please anyone, but I literally can NOT think about it without falling apart. If we have a discussion and I'm not? It's because internally I'm keeping it super superficial.
Anyway, I'm like...falling apart now. My friend Toni found out today that a friend of hers from High School had died. I managed to stay together for her, but like...the though of someone dying so young, and seeing Toni like that, who's to me so incredibly strong a person in that respect just...I'm falling apart. I barely got through dinner normally with my dad, and just wanted to come home and curl up with/be around one of my babies, none of whom are around. Mom finally got home and chilled me out a bit.
My brain just keeps pulling apart at it. It keeps resting at the fact that everyone was asked to wear chucks to the funeral. It hit me so hard. All I can see is a church full of sobbing teenagers all with bright colored chucks.
And I don't know how to tell my mom that giving me an arm full of puppies does NOT in fact, make anything better.
And my radio was stolen. Awesome.
And I'm going into a finicial crisis with no job. Double awesome.