but I'll remeber you. I remeber everyone who leaves.

[penguinfaery]

So it 9 am and I am up despite being fucking exhausted. And no one else is. Which leaves me to my own less then happy thoughts. And the desire to want to text message Ju.

I had it last night and fought it down to. IDK if something sweet, or nasty. Last night I'd settled on how she was now my ex-sammy...though he up and left too, so maybe the simularties are still intacted. Though his reason was a little more valid then "I'd have to actually DO something." ...sorry my bitterness is showing a bit. Genereally I am just still...deeply hurt she'd throw us away like that, even after watching her do it to so many. I actually am not feeling suicidal much, except for the occasional "eveyone really is going to leave, you might as well beat them to the punch." Thoughts, which are easy to logic out and dismiss. But every now and I stop and really think about how much she didn't do, and then used that as her reason to break up, and...I get pissed.

Every time we had a fight end would end with "Ok, we need to do X, Y, and Z to fix things." Not vague, touchy feely stuff but definite, measurable, black and white things. Ju never did ANY of them. One was as simple as "call me earlier in the day." Kshe was calling at 10 and when I was out of work that lead to us staying up till 1 or 2. When I was in work...I needed to go to bed at 10 or 11. Both of us needed more sleep. She never changed. That is the simplist and least personal example, but Be and I both filled in our upper level parts. Nada from Ju. And no reason why, ever, either.

That's what pisses me off about it all. I would have freaking climbed through New York and fought Cloverfield to save her from her collapsed building, and after 7 years she couldn't bother to call a bit earlier. Or show any touch or empathy through any of this.

At leats I don't have to deal with her "I have bad memory and am often uninformed but am going to insist I am right, and that my feelings can change fact." Anymore. And can think jeffrey dean morgan is hot. And don’t have to drive to boulder so often. And...I can't think of more.

...that is a tiny lining to a giant, horrible thunderstorm of angst. Fuck. I really dunno how to deal with this. It hurts so deep. So deep I can almost ignore it and just keep going until something reminds me...except everything reminds me. I'm not good enoug, I'm not worth the effort, i'm not wanted.

I also really should have made my apartement less Jutastic. Luckily we hadn't gotten her her key yet...

Comments

[mchopenstein.livejournal.com]

I suddenly feel very guilty for having us watch cloverfield last night. I'm sorry baby, we should have stuck with batman :(

Just know as much as it hurts, not everyone is going to leave you. You are good enough. You are worth the effort. And you are wanted. If she couldn't see that, then that's her fault. She has her own problems and shit to work through. And It's terrible that you and bev had to be a casualty in her obliviousness. You are a wonderful person.

If you remember, three years ago, we almost disconnected too. I know there's a difference between ju and I, but I had apathy issues too, and such huge anxieties getting close to people. We worked on it though. It was an effort between the two of us to talk and make things better, and let each other know when we were not okay with something.

Relationships are especially that way. Like I've said before, I'm only really getting your side of the story, but I feel you have broken your back for her, and in return, did not receive the same. Which is completely unfair to you, no matter how much you love her. And love, while not always peaceful and serene, is about sharing and working through the rough times, something I'm not sure Ju is mature enough to do yet.

Anyway. Back to my original topic. Everyone is not going to leave you. There will always be hiccups in the road, but even an axel bent by a huge pot hole can be eventually fixed. Bev loves you. All of your friends love you. And everyone who chooses to walk away doesn't see what an amazing loving person you are.

[penguinfaery.livejournal.com]

No, noo bb don't feel guilty, it didn't make me sad, it was just a way to say it that felt a little more lighthearted. Everything in my life is still so tied to Ju that everything makes me think of her (including batman, a recent discussion on sam's hair, my bed spread...) I enjoyed watching clovie a lot, it was comforting.

I just like...I have not let go of my phone. JUST in case. And its awful, and...idk, I hate being pathetic cause everything you said is right but I just feel so...wrong. all of me.

[mchopenstein.livejournal.com]

I can't...imagine how it feel to lose apart of you like that. Probably similar to losing a limb. It's not pathetic to be hopeful. ;; Especially with something like this. I know it's hard but...I suggest going to a park or something (if it's not too cold outside). And not taking your phone with you. Just give yourself a break. Because staring at that phone in a quiet apartment is not going to do anything >: <333

[darkangel-wings.livejournal.com]

:( I'm so sorry for all this stuff going on. I'm at a loss to really say anything in particular about it.

I know how it feels, as both of my relationships (the two I was in when we met) fell apart for largely this same reason... that the other person decided that it was just too hard to fix anything. Both of them left for other people as well, but it was largely just "well, I don't like [x] event that's going on, and in order to change it I'd have to do [y] and [z] and that's too hard. So see ya."

But doing the "I know how you feel" thing rings false too, I know, because I'm not in your position, so I don't know exactly how you feel right now. But I do know that it hurts, and I do know that it takes a long time to really get entirely over.

Do what you can to keep yourself busy and around other people. But I also know that it's that "everything reminds me of her" thing, which makes even that hard.

But everyone is not going to up and leave you, you are loved, and it's her flaw if she was unwilling to put forth the effort that you were.

[slr2moons.livejournal.com]

You have my empathy and sincere wishes that your current pain diminishes soon. I haven't said anything before this because I didn't know what to say. :| We don't know each other all that well, but that is something I honestly would like to change. From what I do know of you, you seem like a wonderful person, and I've enjoyed our conversations. I like hearing about your life and seeing your art.

I am very glad to know you. *hug*

[penguinfaery.livejournal.com]

I am generally not replying to these because...they mean a lot but I don't have muchto say BUT

I wanted to say I feel the same. I friended you assuming it would be like "Oh, an interesting blog I will read and maybe leave comments too." and what I got was like...one of the sweetest, friendliest people jdsgjf

[submit-yourself.livejournal.com]

Sweety. I'm awake at all hours of the night. I work 3rd shift so I'm always up. Text me. I'm normally not doing much of anything. I don't know what else to say either.

[pssty.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry dear. :(
You are a wonderful person and if Ju couldn't make the effort to fix your guys' relationship then it's not worth the bother. Getting left behind does hurt, and it is hard to get through, but don't believe everyone is going to leave you, because that is most certainly not the case.