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penguinfaery) wrote2011-05-26 07:37 pm
penguinfaery) wrote2011-05-26 07:37 pm
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So I had the really...sickening realization not to long ago that the whole twinstar thing?
Wasn't special. It was just the first round (that I knew) of Ju over attaching to someone and recreating herself like them. We weren't "OMG twins so much alike~!" She just...molded herself to me.
It hurt a lot. I had never felt something like that. I...don't know how to explain it without...without making light of other relationships I've had, and that's not true at all. Different doesn't mean better. But I had never felt that level of being in sync. It did a...a lot for me, and it was hard to realize...it was not something special. I was just one in a pattern. Seeing that, I understand why it would get under my skin so hard when Ju moved from one person to the next. Subconsciously I knew I was a trend, and I was trying to stay...relevant enough for her to care to put energy into.
Obviously I failed.
It's hard to lose that sense of self. That was something so important to me, and to realize it was only me...I always have this fear, deep seeded that I care about everyone far more then they do me. And fuck.
Anyway, this has been hard on mutual friends. I know. Be decided to confront Ju about...well, about what a bitch she has been. And try to get us talking.
...Ju said she wouldn't do it if it involved any "Undue stress" for her (Those are exact words) and that she didn't want to just argue and reopen wounds for nothing.
...
I can't even really handle it. All of it. Like...what. What kind of person says that?
Well, I know exactly what kind of person. Not someone I really want to call a friend.
Like, there may be some miscommunications, but...you can't miscommunicate that. And she said she still cared about me. But...actions and words and all they say.
And she still...has not ever contacted me (So any miscommunications are really on her end). I only told her not to contact me once, at the end of a letter she didn't even bother to read. She has still made no effort.
I have contacted her 2 (And a half) times.
And part of me still wants to swallow my pride and be the better person and contacted her and give her what she wants (Hands down forgiveness with no compromise, so basically, I get screwed) but...I've done it twice. And her immaturity has really soured me on her as a person.
But on the other hand...I know I have amazing friends caught in the middle. And I know they will stand by me...but just because they will doesn't mean I should force their hands. And I don't mean choosing sides, just...it is awkward, having two friend fighting, it is uncomfortable, and I want to make it easier for them. They treat me so well...
But I am also at a point where I fell that...it is no longer about being a bigger person, it is no more about offering the peace leaf and working through things. At this point, if I contacted her again, I would be giving up something in me. I would be rolling on the ground begging for her to love me. And I've done that to long, I've twisted at the end of her string for a little bit of affection for too long.
I just dunno what to do.
And I would be lying if I said this doesn't make me nervous, doesn't scare the fuck out of me. If this was all true with Julia, who else is it lurking in?
Wasn't special. It was just the first round (that I knew) of Ju over attaching to someone and recreating herself like them. We weren't "OMG twins so much alike~!" She just...molded herself to me.
It hurt a lot. I had never felt something like that. I...don't know how to explain it without...without making light of other relationships I've had, and that's not true at all. Different doesn't mean better. But I had never felt that level of being in sync. It did a...a lot for me, and it was hard to realize...it was not something special. I was just one in a pattern. Seeing that, I understand why it would get under my skin so hard when Ju moved from one person to the next. Subconsciously I knew I was a trend, and I was trying to stay...relevant enough for her to care to put energy into.
Obviously I failed.
It's hard to lose that sense of self. That was something so important to me, and to realize it was only me...I always have this fear, deep seeded that I care about everyone far more then they do me. And fuck.
Anyway, this has been hard on mutual friends. I know. Be decided to confront Ju about...well, about what a bitch she has been. And try to get us talking.
...Ju said she wouldn't do it if it involved any "Undue stress" for her (Those are exact words) and that she didn't want to just argue and reopen wounds for nothing.
...
I can't even really handle it. All of it. Like...what. What kind of person says that?
Well, I know exactly what kind of person. Not someone I really want to call a friend.
Like, there may be some miscommunications, but...you can't miscommunicate that. And she said she still cared about me. But...actions and words and all they say.
And she still...has not ever contacted me (So any miscommunications are really on her end). I only told her not to contact me once, at the end of a letter she didn't even bother to read. She has still made no effort.
I have contacted her 2 (And a half) times.
And part of me still wants to swallow my pride and be the better person and contacted her and give her what she wants (Hands down forgiveness with no compromise, so basically, I get screwed) but...I've done it twice. And her immaturity has really soured me on her as a person.
But on the other hand...I know I have amazing friends caught in the middle. And I know they will stand by me...but just because they will doesn't mean I should force their hands. And I don't mean choosing sides, just...it is awkward, having two friend fighting, it is uncomfortable, and I want to make it easier for them. They treat me so well...
But I am also at a point where I fell that...it is no longer about being a bigger person, it is no more about offering the peace leaf and working through things. At this point, if I contacted her again, I would be giving up something in me. I would be rolling on the ground begging for her to love me. And I've done that to long, I've twisted at the end of her string for a little bit of affection for too long.
I just dunno what to do.
And I would be lying if I said this doesn't make me nervous, doesn't scare the fuck out of me. If this was all true with Julia, who else is it lurking in?