penguinfaery | (no subject)

So I had the really...sickening realization not to long ago that the whole twinstar thing?

Wasn't special. It was just the first round (that I knew) of Ju over attaching to someone and recreating herself like them. We weren't "OMG twins so much alike~!" She just...molded herself to me.

It hurt a lot. I had never felt something like that. I...don't know how to explain it without...without making light of other relationships I've had, and that's not true at all. Different doesn't mean better. But I had never felt that level of being in sync. It did a...a lot for me, and it was hard to realize...it was not something special. I was just one in a pattern. Seeing that, I understand why it would get under my skin so hard when Ju moved from one person to the next. Subconsciously I knew I was a trend, and I was trying to stay...relevant enough for her to care to put energy into.

Obviously I failed.

It's hard to lose that sense of self. That was something so important to me, and to realize it was only me...I always have this fear, deep seeded that I care about everyone far more then they do me. And fuck.

Anyway, this has been hard on mutual friends. I know. Be decided to confront Ju about...well, about what a bitch she has been. And try to get us talking.

...Ju said she wouldn't do it if it involved any "Undue stress" for her (Those are exact words) and that she didn't want to just argue and reopen wounds for nothing.

...

I can't even really handle it. All of it. Like...what. What kind of person says that?

Well, I know exactly what kind of person. Not someone I really want to call a friend.

Like, there may be some miscommunications, but...you can't miscommunicate that. And she said she still cared about me. But...actions and words and all they say.

And she still...has not ever contacted me (So any miscommunications are really on her end). I only told her not to contact me once, at the end of a letter she didn't even bother to read. She has still made no effort.

I have contacted her 2 (And a half) times.

And part of me still wants to swallow my pride and be the better person and contacted her and give her what she wants (Hands down forgiveness with no compromise, so basically, I get screwed) but...I've done it twice. And her immaturity has really soured me on her as a person.

But on the other hand...I know I have amazing friends caught in the middle. And I know they will stand by me...but just because they will doesn't mean I should force their hands. And I don't mean choosing sides, just...it is awkward, having two friend fighting, it is uncomfortable, and I want to make it easier for them. They treat me so well...

But I am also at a point where I fell that...it is no longer about being a bigger person, it is no more about offering the peace leaf and working through things. At this point, if I contacted her again, I would be giving up something in me. I would be rolling on the ground begging for her to love me. And I've done that to long, I've twisted at the end of her string for a little bit of affection for too long.

I just dunno what to do.

And I would be lying if I said this doesn't make me nervous, doesn't scare the fuck out of me. If this was all true with Julia, who else is it lurking in?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The first girl I was ever in love with did the same thing in regards to just... mimicking or molding herself after the person she was most attached to at the time. And it hurt so much to realize eventually that she was perfectly willing to move on to someone else, to be just like them now instead... and to see when it came to other people how false that "sameness" was. It hurts a lot, but some people are just like that.

I am sorry that this is so hard on you. Breakups always are, but when it comes to losing someone that was such an important friend as well, it's just... ugh. I'm sorry.

Yeah. It is so weird because...I thought of Ju as such a strong, unique person and...it's the opposite.

TY bb. It's hard but I AM getting better.

Te Te.

You have always been this big warm blanket to me, and we have a lot in common, because I'm your mini-you and everything. I just want you to know that I promise that everything we have in common, is stuff that we really DO have in common <3 I'd never base a friendship off of lies like that, and I know how scary it is to think that you love the hell out of someone, and they're just leaving you with the emotional check. I'm always afraid of that myself. It's happened to me too often.

So, I dunno. I definitely feel the awkward, but I also know that Ju hasn't spoken to me or Kennedy even once since you guys split up, which is kinda shitty, because Kennedy used to hang out with her a lot (bike down to her house) and I used to talk to her on MSN and stuff, but she's kinda broken up with some of her friends, it seems like. Without ever telling us any of what is going on, if you hadn't been talking about it, none of us would even understand why she hasn't spoken to us. So I can say for sure that my decision to stick by you come hell or high water- is one that I made because you are just a way better friend, and apparently a better person, and not because I feel like my hand has been forced or that you have influenced me or anything silly like that. You are just an awesome friend, and someone who I adore spending time with. You make me laugh, and smile, and feel all warm and fuzzy and side, and I would stick around with you even if you didn't because you are you and that's enough.

/sappy emotional rant.

I know that this will blow over eventually, which sucks in itself because there is still that part that wants to hold on to all the great stuff, but it's worth it to let go if we get to move on to bright things ahead that are genuine and real.

You made me cry. In a good way.

I am so sorry you and Kennedy got caught in this. And...gah it just makes me so angry. People aren't disposable. And they shouldn't be treated that way.

Ugh. lksjhdgfkdjf UGH.

When you get home. We should have an art sleep over.

...I apologize for the super inappropriate rp journal.

RP journal made me giggle. So it's all cool.

WE TOTALLY SHOULD. I have a little bit of time before work swallows me whole, and school is finally out of my GD hair. Kennedy still has no life so I know we're solid there.

Good crying is... Good crying. <3

I'm not sorry we got caught up, because it's taught me a bit about this kind of thing, and the insight your story has given me has been worth losing... whatever it is we lost, because I feel like it's made us a lot closer to the people that REALLY matter to us. I feel like I've learned a lot about you, and in doing so- learned about myself.

I don't know if this is really something you can get advice on. These are all things you may have to work through with yourself (and with the help of awesome people in your life). Theres never really any majik fix to emotional problems, but I know you're a strong person, even if you don't feel like it you are so strong to me and I know you can work through this.

I do ask one thing. Please do not give her what she wants (the complete forgiveness with no strings) while you may get the smallest amount of happiness back in the end you really will lose yourself, or at least pieces. It will make you so bitter and Julia really wont get any better, she will remain selfish and never learn that there is consequences to life.

It always hurts when people are not what they seem especially when you were so close to them and thought you knew them.

As for the friends that are caught in the middle... The ones that are close to you she's cut out of her life as well and she started that before you two had broken up so not too many people are caught in the middle she made the decision for them.

I hope you can keep your pride and not compromise yourself no matter how much it hurts. You are such a good person and I know I am proud to call you a friend. I know you can do this eventhough you are hurting right now, know that you have love coming to you from all over this country and I hope that I can see you soon. I truly do miss you you are one of my best friends and I'm so happy to have met you and have you in my life even if it is sporadic.

TY bb. I know we discussed this a bit in IM, but yeah. TY.

I'm always by your side even when I'm not. <3

I feel a lot like I'm a day late and something like twenty dollars short, because I haven't said anything. But, I HAVE been here, this whole time, and I will continue to be. I didn't know what to say before now, or how I could say it.

I still don't really know, but I know that I want to say something, to try and help in some way, badly enough that I can't put it off anymore. God, Te, you love so much and so hard, and I cannot imagine how anyone can abandon that. You have such a big heart, and you are so easily bruised, and it's not fair that you have to get hurt so much.

When you first posted about all this, I wanted to think the best of everyone. To think that it was completely blameless and that everything would... even out or go back to normal. Mutual friend and all. But... well, the more I knew--I get it. And, if Julia can do the kind of things that she has done, say the kinds of things she's said... well, I don't really want to be around someone like that, either. It is awkward, yeah. And so, so sad. But my hand isn't forced. Not by anything you have done--maybe by what Julia has done (and also what she hasn't done. Talking to me, for one.) I still want to talk to her, just--to find out, but there are some things that I can't accept without compromising a part of myself.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, really. I guess, that I love you so, so, so much. You are such a wonderful person. And that I'm going to stand by you not because you're making me, not because I think I have to, but because I want to.

Somehow, it'll be okay.

Also, I third that motion for an art sleepover when Jay gets back.

I love you girls so much. I can't see how someone could not appreciate that. And this all means a lot.

And...I dunno exactly how to reply, except with so much love. And also, this: I still want to talk to her, just--to find out, but there are some things that I can't accept without compromising a part of myself. very much sums up how I feel.

And yes. And if you ever wanna come over Jay-less you are also welcomed. ♥

<3 I'll keep that offer in mind. I definitely want to hang out more, especially now that I'm done with school.

Love you too!

Wow, you have some really awesome friends on here. I actually have really wanted to become friends with the Te-Bev-Sarah trio for some months. I don't know if it can happen, since obviously it's not all up to me, but yeah. I'll be in CO come August, so if ever you want to chill...

And I don't know what to say about this except <3~

*like*

Just needed to put it out there that I thought the "twin star" thing was always phoney, and it drove me nuts. Also, it made me feel devalued. Still does when I think about the before time.