Terra (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
penguinfaery) wrote2011-04-09 09:11 pm
penguinfaery) wrote2011-04-09 09:11 pm
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So possibly going through old notebooks and sketchs books is NOT the best idea right now.
But I also found this letter and it was so like ....oh.
"...I've been hitting down the urge to just message you and say 'Hey kiddo, love you and it was great, have a good life.' because if I have that control, if I can take it into my own hands, I can patch myself back together. If (and even now I am ignoring the part of me going 'when', and obviously not well) you leave, either actively or slowly, I want to be able to.
Or maybe I can, but the part of me that can't handle anyone else leaving doesn't much like playing Russian Roulette (And I know, Bev already point out, when I tried telling her this, that everything with Alex is a great irony here. Felling all this has actually help me come to terms with it, in ways I really couldn't write down, because I'd rather never see you again, rather be dead, then watch myself slowly become unimportant to you, And I can already feel that happening..."
For those keeping score at home, who maybe have noticed the reference to Alex, this was in a letter from I believe June 2009.
Guess I shoulda gone with my instincts, huh? Lordy.
I also like how this letter lays out two things Ju promised she would do, swore up and down, since she was going to CU and...didn't. Ever. Even now hasn't. (get a car and get a phone line in her dorm)
And of course, the reply to this was a heartfelt, tear stained "How could you EVER feel these thing, this will never happen you are so important to me, I love you so much." I believe she said I was so important to her she couldn't even imagine how I could feel this way.
And yet it has now been over two weeks and she hasn't called to work out anything. How could I ever?
We did exchange a few letter. They were less then helpful. And initiated by me.
But I also found this letter and it was so like ....oh.
"...I've been hitting down the urge to just message you and say 'Hey kiddo, love you and it was great, have a good life.' because if I have that control, if I can take it into my own hands, I can patch myself back together. If (and even now I am ignoring the part of me going 'when', and obviously not well) you leave, either actively or slowly, I want to be able to.
Or maybe I can, but the part of me that can't handle anyone else leaving doesn't much like playing Russian Roulette (And I know, Bev already point out, when I tried telling her this, that everything with Alex is a great irony here. Felling all this has actually help me come to terms with it, in ways I really couldn't write down, because I'd rather never see you again, rather be dead, then watch myself slowly become unimportant to you, And I can already feel that happening..."
For those keeping score at home, who maybe have noticed the reference to Alex, this was in a letter from I believe June 2009.
Guess I shoulda gone with my instincts, huh? Lordy.
I also like how this letter lays out two things Ju promised she would do, swore up and down, since she was going to CU and...didn't. Ever. Even now hasn't. (get a car and get a phone line in her dorm)
And of course, the reply to this was a heartfelt, tear stained "How could you EVER feel these thing, this will never happen you are so important to me, I love you so much." I believe she said I was so important to her she couldn't even imagine how I could feel this way.
And yet it has now been over two weeks and she hasn't called to work out anything. How could I ever?
We did exchange a few letter. They were less then helpful. And initiated by me.
Hugs
This too will pass. You do have friends.
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