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(no subject)
Apr. 9th, 2011 09:11 pmSo possibly going through old notebooks and sketchs books is NOT the best idea right now.
But I also found this letter and it was so like ....oh.
"...I've been hitting down the urge to just message you and say 'Hey kiddo, love you and it was great, have a good life.' because if I have that control, if I can take it into my own hands, I can patch myself back together. If (and even now I am ignoring the part of me going 'when', and obviously not well) you leave, either actively or slowly, I want to be able to.
Or maybe I can, but the part of me that can't handle anyone else leaving doesn't much like playing Russian Roulette (And I know, Bev already point out, when I tried telling her this, that everything with Alex is a great irony here. Felling all this has actually help me come to terms with it, in ways I really couldn't write down, because I'd rather never see you again, rather be dead, then watch myself slowly become unimportant to you, And I can already feel that happening..."
For those keeping score at home, who maybe have noticed the reference to Alex, this was in a letter from I believe June 2009.
Guess I shoulda gone with my instincts, huh? Lordy.
I also like how this letter lays out two things Ju promised she would do, swore up and down, since she was going to CU and...didn't. Ever. Even now hasn't. (get a car and get a phone line in her dorm)
And of course, the reply to this was a heartfelt, tear stained "How could you EVER feel these thing, this will never happen you are so important to me, I love you so much." I believe she said I was so important to her she couldn't even imagine how I could feel this way.
And yet it has now been over two weeks and she hasn't called to work out anything. How could I ever?
We did exchange a few letter. They were less then helpful. And initiated by me.
But I also found this letter and it was so like ....oh.
"...I've been hitting down the urge to just message you and say 'Hey kiddo, love you and it was great, have a good life.' because if I have that control, if I can take it into my own hands, I can patch myself back together. If (and even now I am ignoring the part of me going 'when', and obviously not well) you leave, either actively or slowly, I want to be able to.
Or maybe I can, but the part of me that can't handle anyone else leaving doesn't much like playing Russian Roulette (And I know, Bev already point out, when I tried telling her this, that everything with Alex is a great irony here. Felling all this has actually help me come to terms with it, in ways I really couldn't write down, because I'd rather never see you again, rather be dead, then watch myself slowly become unimportant to you, And I can already feel that happening..."
For those keeping score at home, who maybe have noticed the reference to Alex, this was in a letter from I believe June 2009.
Guess I shoulda gone with my instincts, huh? Lordy.
I also like how this letter lays out two things Ju promised she would do, swore up and down, since she was going to CU and...didn't. Ever. Even now hasn't. (get a car and get a phone line in her dorm)
And of course, the reply to this was a heartfelt, tear stained "How could you EVER feel these thing, this will never happen you are so important to me, I love you so much." I believe she said I was so important to her she couldn't even imagine how I could feel this way.
And yet it has now been over two weeks and she hasn't called to work out anything. How could I ever?
We did exchange a few letter. They were less then helpful. And initiated by me.
(no subject)
Jan. 19th, 2009 09:14 pmNow you'll never see, what you've done to me
You can take back your memories they're no good to me
And here's all your lies,
You can look me in my eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
I never post lyrics, but fuck this song is SO fitting right now.
I'm so tired of your bullshit. You don't go to pick off the weakest link? That's why you SUDDENLY wanna get back in touch with Shea, and start giving her a heavily...altered version of the truth? Your trying to pair up with people who you think are like minded? You're suddenly bonding so super heavy with people you previously didn't consider worth a damn? I'm SO glad Bev made her post so you can't BS people.
And really? It's nice to know that after how many year of being a friend, as good a friend as I could be, as you let me be, you still throw me under the bus as soon as the going gets tough. As always. I adopted you as one of my own AFTER you tried REALLY HARD and viciously to break me and Bev up. And I never held it against you. That was HARD for me. Like...really hard. When I said "I don't even remember why we fought, I love you so much." It wasn't that I FORGOT it was that I didn't care.
And I'm sure lots of people on this friends list can tell you how....rare that is from me. (not...forgetting things, but letting them go so thoroughly)
Fuck I hate how much I care about this still.
You can take back your memories they're no good to me
And here's all your lies,
You can look me in my eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
I never post lyrics, but fuck this song is SO fitting right now.
I'm so tired of your bullshit. You don't go to pick off the weakest link? That's why you SUDDENLY wanna get back in touch with Shea, and start giving her a heavily...altered version of the truth? Your trying to pair up with people who you think are like minded? You're suddenly bonding so super heavy with people you previously didn't consider worth a damn? I'm SO glad Bev made her post so you can't BS people.
And really? It's nice to know that after how many year of being a friend, as good a friend as I could be, as you let me be, you still throw me under the bus as soon as the going gets tough. As always. I adopted you as one of my own AFTER you tried REALLY HARD and viciously to break me and Bev up. And I never held it against you. That was HARD for me. Like...really hard. When I said "I don't even remember why we fought, I love you so much." It wasn't that I FORGOT it was that I didn't care.
And I'm sure lots of people on this friends list can tell you how....rare that is from me. (not...forgetting things, but letting them go so thoroughly)
Fuck I hate how much I care about this still.
(no subject)
Jul. 29th, 2008 11:48 pmI knew she was gonna blow but I just didn't know how hard.
As I'm sure nobody is surprised, Lu got pissed that someone did something at VDL and shut it down. I know most of us were kinda just waitingSince last July when she flounced and ditched the place for months on end...was that only last July?
So anyone scared off by Lu, or her playing (I think I have more then a few on my flist), checking here to see wtf is up*, or who just liked some bits VDL had, check out![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
villedelumiere I dunno if it will start over, and if we do if it'll be the same plot exactly or whatever, but people can go there to discuss and shit. Anyway, check over there.
If it DOES restart, I'll be doing set up, and dealing with people/issues, Laura/![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jaydesummers will do lists and apps, and we'll need a third mod for advertising (I'm wanting to get someone who isn't in our "Clique" as some people put it, to bring in a fresh feel)
*I will give any gory details anyone wants. I'm tired of Lu snapping the shit outta people, using 'em, and then tossing 'em away to make herself look better. Cry me a river baby.
As I'm sure nobody is surprised, Lu got pissed that someone did something at VDL and shut it down. I know most of us were kinda just waiting
So anyone scared off by Lu, or her playing (I think I have more then a few on my flist), checking here to see wtf is up*, or who just liked some bits VDL had, check out
villedelumiere I dunno if it will start over, and if we do if it'll be the same plot exactly or whatever, but people can go there to discuss and shit. Anyway, check over there.If it DOES restart, I'll be doing set up, and dealing with people/issues, Laura/
jaydesummers will do lists and apps, and we'll need a third mod for advertising (I'm wanting to get someone who isn't in our "Clique" as some people put it, to bring in a fresh feel)*I will give any gory details anyone wants. I'm tired of Lu snapping the shit outta people, using 'em, and then tossing 'em away to make herself look better. Cry me a river baby.
