penguinfaery | (no subject)

So I messaged Ju last Friday (A month after the break up) to be like "So...am I going to hear from you."

I wanted to fix things...almost right away. She wanted to wait. I backed off for a bit (And...backed off. No contact.), and although I didn't make it clear when I told her to take a few days to collect her thoughts that I was measuring things in days (And I didn't, that is 100% true), however I DID say "I do feel that...perhaps this weekend would have been a better weekend to open up communications, and it was all awkwardly too soon. But I don't want to wait until neither of us care enough to be bothered enough to fuss with NOT being friends, and we just start hanging out and ignore all this. I want to work through things, I don't want to see what happens when we both are less wrapped up because...I know what'll happen. I know both of us. If something is easier to not be upset about, we will ignore it, and be friends around it, and pretend it's not there until something snaps and we can't anymore. Wash, rinse, repeat. Because...that is sorta what lead to all this, it's what we've been doing for years."

So I feel I was pretty clear I did not want to wait. And I feel a month is a fair compromise between "Want to wait" and "Wants to fix this right now."

So I messaged her, and got back a lot of like "After finals*, I want thing to heal over and settle." which was...the opposite of what I had requested (And, I should note, that she agreed with) I'm not gonna copy/paste her letter, but it was more of the same aloof, detached stuff I;ve been getting from her, but still very insistent she wanted to be friends.

I set the letter to the side, had a break down Tuesday, and finally messaged her saying, pretty much "I can't do this. I need to heal, I wanted to heal with you, but you aren't willing to work with me. We are getting back into the habit of 'Julia does not compromise'** all over again, and I can't do this. Things will not "settle and heal" until we work on them. If I am wrong, you know where to find me, but I am not waiting around for you anymore."

And that was that, as far as I know. I left it opened ended, but...I will probably not hear back from her. I'm not expecting to. It disappoints me, she disappoints me but...I need to move forward. I waited for her for a month. Now I'm going, and she missed the boat because things had to be perfectly HER way.

*It should be noted, until a Kaiser member informed me differently, I was under the impression that Ju's finals were the 9th through the 13th, as I go to a school that is sister schools with another campus of her college. So I was under the impression she was blowing me off for tests happening in 3 weeks, not...3 days. I don't know if that would have changed what I wrote (And I do know I would not have laid that on her mid-finals), but I still think it was a good thing to write. Maybe it was better I was under the impression that her finals were in 3 weeks, not this week. IDK. Either way I feel that was her responsibility to point out, not mine to know, but bad communication is the topic of hand, huh? IDK why she didn't say "this weekend" instead of after finals.

**It should also be noted...that one compromise doesn't really bug me. It is just...the slip side into the pattern again of Ju not ever being able to compromise that I...did not want to repeat. Nothing was changing, nothing was being worked on, and I didn't wanna keep going down that path. I, in no way, think she's a horrible person for needing time. I just...know this pattern. And don't want.

But Terra, what about the baby punching?

So this is...generally irrelevant now, but if this is the level of "issues" Ju had, maybe I am glad to not deal with them.

So...gah, it was either last Spring or the Fall before, me and Ju got REALLY excited to go study abroad. Really excited.

So I went to the Metro Study abroad office a few times, got stacks of program guides, poured over them trying to find a place and program that we both liked, and talked with my Study Abroad office as much as possible about which ones would work with CU (Because, like in most areas, CU blows about Study Abroad). I narrowed it down to a few programs, and sent Ju with a list to check if CU supported them. The most promising was an Art and Culture one set in Berlin. I reminded her to go check the next week. And reminded her to go check the next week. And reminded her to go check the next week. And reminded her to go check the next week. And reminded her to go check the next week. And reminded her to go check the next week. And you get the idea.

Now because you can not have your study abroad semester be your last semester before graduation, this had to be done at a certain time for me to graduate reasonably. I put off graduating one semester for it (Yes. I pushed graduating off a semester for this), so we could either go this semester I'm in now, or the upcoming fall one. When she dragged her heels...the programs timed out, and I honestly just gave up and stuck it in the "Things we excitedly talk about that crash and burn when they require actual effort."

I called the CU office and asked them if study abroad programs could be done during grad school (Because this was when I was going there for Grad school to be with Ju) and they said I could jump through some hoops to make it happen, and we settled on that. And I swallowed down how disappointed I was because...you know, art and German. I clearly hate that shit.

So, now I find out, one of Ju's issues with me? I ruined her chance to study abroad. I ruined her chance to study abroad.

...

A mutual friend pointed out, while I was was rampaging trying to find a baby to punch, that knowing Ju it was "I want to do this RIGHT NOW and you can't do it RIGHT NOW, hence this is your fault." and that is probably on the nose but...there are not enough fuck to describe how much of a break I should be given.

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(deleted comment)

I'll look into finding that program again, and maybe you and me and Be can go.

AND YES. I miss you. I am going to have a party party soon, but any time you wanna drop by...we could have an art in Sunday?

Ok ♥

I've done two study abroads and a quasi study-trip thing, and just, do it. Do it. You have no idea how much fun you'll have. The paperwork is a bitch, but man oh man.

I'm sorry but wtf is her damage???

I wish I knew. I hope she gets the help she clearly needs, but...Ah well. I really wanted things to work, but...sure enough, I have not heard from her.

Yeah well this seems to be her MO especially as of late. She's not a confrontation type of person, maybe she figures if she waits long enough to the point that no one cares there's less hurt and emotions going into it. In the end It's kind of bullshit and the least she can do is help you heal for once.

You could also look into work-abroad programs - I did a study abroad in Wales my junior year and loved it so much I went back on a work-abroad trip the semester after I graduated. (If you do it after graduating, it's got to be within one semester of leaving school.) The program I went with was BUNAC - http://www.bunac.org/usa/ - which is fairly UK-centric and I don't see them mentioning Germany, but I'm sure there's got to be other work-abroad programs that do...