penguinfaery | LOOK OUT IT'S A TEAL DEER!

LOOK OUT IT'S A TEAL DEER!

Ok so...geeze. Everything that happened.

So me and Miharu were chatting as we do. And I guess Lu did something that really ticked her off in their other rp, by undermining something she said. I dunno the whole situation, but I can sorta related cause the same thing has happened to me. I just shrugged and let it roll off, no BFD. I'm use to all mods getting together to decided something together so it was always kinda a "..." thing but never anything worth making a fuss about. Still I could relate and offered her a sympathetic shoulder. Anyone who's know Miharu for more then a week knows she gets really wound up and needs to just let things out.

Anyway, as we were talking, things started to come out. About how Lu was always bitching about how I was bossy and controlling (Kinda funny after how our last fight was centered around me NOT doing anything), and how she felt I'd betrayed her with my mod app or something along those lines because BOYS isn't the kinda rp she liked.* And today how she was afraid of me because of something with Brian, which I still don't understand. Cause I'm a person? Because everyone on her flist are what? Goldfish? That's where the post came in last night (The vague "Hey you" one)

This all hit a little too close to home. The last time I remember actively talking to Lu was at the beginning of the year. Now, don't get me wrong. Not one of these things bother me at all. Not seperetly. It's all rolled together: She hasn't comment in months. She hasn't poked me in IM and pretty much ignored me when I poked her. She hasn't included me in any of her "All my friends!" things. When I drew her art for her Birthday (something that anyone who knows me takes forever, but I specifically did to bridge this gap between us, assuming it was probably me causing all this) she was like "Thanks :D" in a DA comment. The smallest comment on the posting was from the person it was for. (To those who don't know her, if anyone like...sneeze in Lu's direction she post in huge sparkly text in her journal thanking them). She has an epic list of ____ is my ____ in her user info that I use to be on and am not anymore. She hasn't barely talked to me about any mod things for VDL, leaving me trying to answer questions from members I know just as much about it as. And don't even get me started on any plots. Like I said, one separate thing doesn't bug me. Don't feel comfortable talking on im...eh. Don't have time to comment? God knows I don't always. But altogether? You're telling me that's not suppose to hint at something? Really? I know I'm particularly paranoid about these things but...I think getting a "Don't like you" vibe there wasn't really carried away. The ignoring the friends cut was the icing on the cake.

Anyway, Miharu confronted her I guess. She(Miharu) showed me the chat, and anger made her a little incoherent which I think is causing a lot of this confusion, like that Ebi and her sister started this, etc. But at the end Miharu was all like "So you don't have any issues, we're cool?" and Lu...flipped. And posted a post in her journal saying she was gonna disappear on the internet. I'm not gonna sugar coat it, MAYBE the inmidian stuff was worse, but what I saw and said was NOT that bad. Not at first. No cussing, no caps of rage...it wasn't fluff and sugar coated but it also wasn't vicious or nasty. Both me and Miharu were like "Hey, dude, what is this? What's going on?"

And I replied saying "You know, not happy, but I wanna talk this shit out. I wanna believe this is a big misunderstanding." ~~Which I still do.~~ And pretty much just got the run around and the very strong "It doesn't matter how you feel, if you're hurt, if this upsets you because *I'm* upset. I don't care about or want to hear about your issues because it might upset me. Even if you feel you've been stabbed in the back, *I* can't handle this so *I* don't care." I'm not going to post any bits here, because it's flocked, and I respect that, but it was...very hurtful to me to see how much a "friend" cared. And ironic after she condemned Thess SO hard about pulling that kinda stuff (The "I have issues, so get a 'get out of responsibility for my actions free' card" type stuff)

Obviously by the end of things I wasn't playing so nice. Neither of us were, although Lu seemed to be acting like the victim left and right.

Anyway, I don't know what happening now.

I don't hate Lu, I don't think she's a monster or needs to go away or any of the shit she kept telling people people were telling her. I never saw anyone say ANY of that, or anything to that feel. The whole point of talking to her was to try to save our friendship, but honestly, the fact that she WON'T sit down and talk, not really, makes me believe...maybe it is true. I don't want to but....she won't give me anything to the contrary. Not even a "I'm sorry I need to calm down before I can talk about this." type thing. I've seen her be two faced with Miharu, with others, and I don't even really CARE about that (Everyone needs to vent sometimes) as long as I still know you're my friend afterwards. There are reasons Lu and I were friends (or so I thoughts) and a little high school gossiping wouldn't kill that.

It's hard not to "Abandon someone" when they pushed you away. When the second you're not fawning all over them, you're nothing to them. And that's how it feels. Maybe it's not the way it IS, but without talking it out...*shrug* I've comment on almost all her "Serious Business" posts, or tried to, and yet the fact that I haven't comment on what? Posts about a video game I don't know about means I don't care about her? When she wouldn't even reply to a friends cut? Sorry i reply when it counts and not when it's fluff.

Anyone on here can probably tell you I'll bend over backwards if the same will be done in return. Shit I offered the girl to come live here if she needed to. But making emo posts and not dealing with the issues isn't going to help jack. Not that one can't make posts to their journal (Obviously *cough*), but if that's ALL you do, is run for comfort and never face the issues, nothing will get done. Would you rather have the 50 people who fawn all over you to boost your ego, or the one true friend who cares enough about you to say "Hey, look, shit ain't right between us and I want it to be, let's talk."? Me personally, I'd rather have the few true friends.

I LOVE VDL and don't want it to go badly. With the rumblings I've been hearing from ALL corners, I'm worried...if Lu causes drama there it could fall apart. I hope that won't happen, I don't think Lu's childish like that, but I know she's threatened to close it down more then once. She hasn't been very active, and really I know more then a few people on her flist have noticed she's really not cared as much since starting inmidian, bad talking VDL more then once. I don't want it to die, and I don't want people to feel like they are forced to choose between us, and hopefully the rp won't be put in that position. Hopefully no one will. Hopefully this'll all get worked out and we can be honest with each other. But I'm so scared for it, and what might happen to it. Because that kinda thing can cripple rps, and I think we've got a good thing goin on, even if it does need a few kinks worked out.

Bah.

*Side note-During all this, I went back to read her little snit fit in boys. It's ironic how much she complained about what V was doing., Which is a lot of the exact same stuff she'd done in VDL.

Oy oy. That should all be taken with a grain of salt, as it's a lot an emotion dump and one sided. But I needed to get it out of my head.

This is public BTW. I believe getting things out there, opening a wound, is the first step to cleaning and healing it. I just wish I knew more whether this is something I should be pouring effort into, or if Lu just really does think so little of me that I shouldn't even bother.

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I love that it's perfectly okay for you to talk badly about me and post about our problems publicly and I get ragged on for doing it friends only and I don't say a single bad thing about you.

And if we're talking about commenting? The last time you commented in my journal was in August (http://fufuberrysoda.livejournal.com/61284.html) and it was quite brief. It has nothing to do with three or four fandom posts recently. You could have commented on any number of memes or "I want to get to know!" posts, including my Christmas gift post. I can guarantee the last time I commented to you was well after August.

I'm sick of defending myself. I apologise. It did nothing. I explain myself, it means nothing.

When it comes to the birthday gift? I'm sorry. I was waiting for you to reply to me to keep up the gushing; I thought I had commented more than that on your DA. Instead, I had probably rambled on to someone about it. My memory's gone to shit. However, that's no excuse, is it? Because no matter what I seem to say it's just not good enough for you.

It was not the posting that bothered me. It was the posting WITHOUT trying to solve anything. Your journal is your journal to post as you like. Nobody gonna be snopping around here publically that wouldn't see it if it was flocked anyway. I'm not some BNF that everyone's gonna be like "Ohhh let's go check Terra journal for any trouble today."

And you're flat out wrong about the last time I posted (http://fufuberrysoda.livejournal.com/103441.html?thread=2243601#t2243601) Does my name not ever register anymore or something? I'm not gonna track down all the memes you did, or hunt through all your old posts, but I know I did the whole "What was the first thing you thoughts of me." (We talked about seixsub on GJ) and "What drink am I" (Melonball), you're the ____ to my ____ etc. I didn't comment on the Chirstmas post because foolish me thought I was included in the "Unless you're obviously going to get one" part.

I didn't see an apology, but I may have over looked it in all the commenting. Feel free to link me to the comment. That's not what I want however. I WANT to work out things. I don't WANT something to soothe over the hurt and make it go away, without solving the deeper issue. The issues isn't that you forgot something here or there, that's human. The issues is bigger then that. I thought the post made that pretty clear, but here's the nitty gritty:

Did you say that stuff? If so, why? Why didn't you bring it to me? Why did you consider me not worth working thing through with? Do you care about me? Why are you afraid of me and not others? Do you care about VDL?

Bah, I may think of more, but as I may be going to bed soon, take your time replying. Either way, take you're time replying. I don't want shallow surface shit, I want worked through this if there's anything salvageable. I think we've covered that were both hurt, that there's plenty of sorry to go around around, now let's get our hands dirty and get through this, ok?

I don't know wtf to do to solve it. I apologised. I said I meant no harm. I said I didn't do anything/talk behind anyone's back. Who the fuck would I talk to, anyway? Oh yeah. Lulz. I'm going to go talk to someone about Miharu that knows her! The same with you. If I were stupid enough or pissed off enough with something that would make me complain, I would go to someone that neither of you knew.

That's the point. I'm not going around showing it to people who have no business in it. Especially since it wasn't about you, it was about Miharu.

You're right. I did miss that. However, before that, it was August. That isn't saying a lot about someone who is ranting about me not commenting. When it came to the Christmas post, all mp3s were given to those who commented. Anyone who didn't comment, I didn't give one too. If I said anything like that, it was my card/letter post. If you didn't post there, I didn't have your address. Otherwise, i have no idea what you're talking about.

I apologised here (http://fufuberrysoda.livejournal.com/105583.html?thread=2277999#t2277999), however. I assumed that I did so earlier, but I supposed I was so wrapped up in trying to figure out WTF WAS GOING on, since no one bothered to tell me.

No, I didn't. I might have complained a few times that you were on hiatus so often and I wanted to kick things into gear, but I wanted to wait for you to do it first. I've never spoken a malicious word about you to anyone. I do consider you working things through with. That's why I'm pushing through how upset I am, how sick I've made myself and how scared I am to comment and how much I dread what you might possibly say next to keep talking. I do care about you. If I didn't care about you, I would have ban_set you the moment you posted this or reported you to lj for harassment or something. If I didn't care I wouldn't be talking. And I'm afraid of plenty of others. As I said before there's... something about talking over LJ that makes it easier. I guess it feels like there's a bigger wall between us. Even ask

moineau, who I've been friends with for about five years. I have a really hard time talking to her and will go through extremely long bouts of silence to the extent of not talking to her for month(s). It's nothing personal, I swear it. However, I imagine you intimidate me a little more than most other people because you're just that kind of person. If I met like... Nicole Kidman I'd be the same way. You're smart, pretty, good at what you do, an amazing artist, a cosplayer and you're just so incredible that I have no idea why the hell you'd ever even talk to me.

When it comes to VDL, of course I care. I just get caught up in the OOC. I want to reply, but every time I join something I feel... I don't know. Left out. Or the fact that most people there hate me. That doesn't help me in the slightest. I don't find it as enjoyable as I used to. Part of it is you aren't around as much as I'd like and the other part, of course, is the hostility from other members, the drama that always seems to be going on and... most people that I RPed with are gone now. Every day I have it set in my mind that I'm going to go through the posts, fix them up, remove some of my characters, etc. but it never comes. I can't bring myself to do it. Doing that would mean that I have to confront the situation, the situation that VDL isn't my favourite RP anymore, it isn't free of drama, and it's full of people I'm not terribly fond of. Though it should be obvious who those people are.

I'm not sure what you mean about "shallow surface shit," though.

This is what to do to solve it and get past the shallow shit (Shallow shit being pretty much the circles we were going in in your post)

I can't reply to all. Because I'm all ready staying up to late to deal with all of this. But, some things:

I went through all you posts and found, until the 15th on January, at least 5 places I'd made comments, etc. That is probably WAY more then I've commented on anyone else journal that I don't know IRL. I'm not a big commenter, which is why I don't hold people to big commenting back. Like I said it was no ONE of those things, each one of them has a terribly logical reason alone, it s was all of them piling up.

Miharu was the one who said you were going to her, and since you were under the impressions we didn't talk, that does seem terribly logical. And as for flocking, YOUR flocked post is going to get way more exposure then MY not flocked one. There are some people who don't have LJ's, such as Miharu, involved who I wanted to read this. I don't think you can argue she doesn't have business in it. I was involved in this issue, even thought you seemed unaware until I commented.

I may have gotten the two Christmas posts mixed up and then just got a bad taste in my mouth from cross wires. But I KNOW the Vday one wasn't like that. IDK what it is, but you paying attention to me makes me feel fuzzy, like being allowed to sit at the popular kids tables, and it's like a kick in the gut to suddenly have that snatched away.

I do now see that (The apology). I was wrapped up to. But as for trying to figure out what was going on I was TRYING to tell you.

We'll talk about the rest later. Tomorrow. I'll be on from 1:30 to 9 ish my time. Either through comments if it makes you feel more comfortable, or I'd prefer IM.

Don't worry about replying. Rushing never got anyone anywhere.

I apologise, then. I didn't mean for anything of the sort to happen, but... like I said, I really haven't been online much. And when I have been, it's really, really weird hours and by hours I mean... fifteen, twenty minutes at a time. However, with my younger brother being net banned, the computer will be free for me to use more often.

Oh LAWD. I love Miharu, I really do. But I'm not that close to her. Whether you talked or didn't is beside the point. I'm not close enough to her to trust her with my ~*~*~secrets~*~*~ unless she brings something up and I agree with them. And even then, the conversation is very short, very curt.

I didn't think you'd see it if I did make you one. I didn't make my friend Rhi one, either, for the same reason. I've been friends with

flockofplatypi for a good seven years now ._. so please don't think it was anything personal. It was just the people I talk to most and... stuff. And well.

I didn't know that. I didn't think anyone thought so highly of me. ~~I sat in the bathroom or library alone during in high school, most of the time.~~

You have to be straight-forward with me. I'm quite the dense little cretin, you know.

Certainly. I'll do my best to not be asleep or emoing.

Hopefully I'll cathc before I leave, but if not, here goes some commenting.

I just...what you said I don't consider a secret. Friend gossip about each other. It happens. It's how you stay friends. When your frustrated, you vent to another friend, you gusy go "OMG I KNOW!" and then you've let off all that little stress and deal with it, if it's a real issue, or let it go if it was just an "Under the skin" thing. I just....need to know about the real issues after the gossipying. And I believe that was just an under the skin thing, if it was said in passing, and if it wasn't it's moot, but just...the decline of "us" and a friendhsip, combined with it, killed me.

I read everyone post on my flist. Ok, I skim some. But I check them all.

A lot of people think very highly of you babe. Just look at any of your LJ posts. Granted e-popularity is not the end all be all, but that should tell you, even if the dumbasses IRL don't see it, there's something there people like, people enjoy.

I will try to be more often, but I didn't want to just throw it all in your face because you were emotional.

2 replies to keep us straight.

The conversations where very short and curt for I really have no idea how to approach you.

Judging from the pasts both lived, both of us are damaged goods...

It's not that I wanted them to be. I just have NO IDEA what to say to most people.

Then that is where the problem lies, neither one of us have any idea what to say to each other.

I could have long convos with Jiangling, Raimi, Ebi and others but I just don't know how to approach you. Like you said you are afarid of Terra, I thought you to be afarid of me as well.

But whatever, I am not going to beat a dead horse and make this drama even more than it intitally was.

All I have to say to anyone who ever said a snide or elitest comment about how I operate my characters or how I interact in rps; these curt words...

"Mind yourself". Half of you aren't as great or as darling as you think you are.
Simply mind yourself and stop feeling the need to pick upon others.

That is it.

This is in reply to the last two paragraphs.

First of all, I care about you. obviously.

Second, you have NOTHING to be afraid of. I promise you. the worst case scenario is we stop being friends. I wouldn't do anything petty or malicious. It's not who I am. I might be a bit nasty and rough around the edges sometimes, but I'm not going to do anything that would really do any damage.

Obviously you made me blush. I don't think that highly of me. I'm a horridly flawed human being. You have no reason to be afraid of me. It's interesting because the same is sometimes true in reverse. We both admire different things in each other. I talk to you because I enjoy you, and if you really think I'm so amazing, shouldn't that mean you must be pretty damn amazing that I want to be around you?

As for VDL, I will be honest with you. Everybody doesn't hate you. A lot of people aren't thrilled with your modding though. I personally think the best idea would be to step down, pick out a small amount of character you love, and have the most plot with, and focus on getting them involved. Remind people why you are loved, and relax and have fun. You won't have fun as a mod if you aren't having fun as a player. I can take care of things, and you can come back to modding when you're ready. If modding is a chore it won't be done well. It's a labor of love, and I, and everyone here, I think understand that. Obviously it's up to you and this is a suggestion, but you just seem really burnt out on it, and I don't want to see you quit entirely.

I'm super-super sorry about not being online yesterday. We had some freaky-ass blizzard and the electricity was out until about... a few hours ago? I hope you don't think I skipped out on you.

Yeah, well. My best response to that is NO U.

I don't think it's the RPG itself that makes me so disinterested. I've been really... distant with everything over the past few months. I'm working on that and when my medical kicks back in in a few weeks, I'm hoping for my old doctor to see me and try some different medication combinations. Apathy just... doesn't suit me. Or anyone, really. It just ruins everything.

I figured it must have been something.

And I'd reply more, but...my project is due Monday and I have precisely Jack squat done on it. Since I gave up Monday's class for drama, I gotta work today.

*hug* I love you.

No offense to either of you...but tracking the number of replies one makes to someone's journal doesn't sound like the best way to measure how much someone cares for you.

Did you mean to reply that to me?

no, lol.

I just failed at selecting the right reply to button...because Terra's journal layout FAILS

It really does (no offense to the lovely Terra).

Yes. My journal layout.

What's the excuse on everyone else journal? XD

Think of it as when Shea had other people higher then you on her myspace. It's not the actual fact, it's what's behind it.

I am ultimately tired of everyone dragging my name down the toilet with a fake smile on their faces. This goes out to anyone who have fucked me over so far and does so still now.

I couldn't even confront Lucrece about anything without her flipping out with the dramatics squad and making a complete fool of herself in the community where settling this away from the com was the ideal thing to do!
I wanted to let her know "IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO ME...just say to my face" and that's that.

I freakin' went on a tangent too, but come on.

This was too dramatic. I'm done with this and rping.

I hate it.

your icon is terrifying.

If it really is to much babe, it's probably better that way.

Gotta love scary lil blond girls! lol

No kiddin'.
Rpgs make people lose MINDS! I am tempted to actually force my mom into upgradin to broadband.

XileRO here I comessssssssss! Back to Ragnarok.

Hi, Miharu. :O

Hello, Brian.

I miss playen with you. D:

Considering that this sounds like one humongous misunderstanding I really think that the three of you should get together in a chat and talk this out. It is quite probably going to be the only way that this entire debacle is going to get sorted out.

More importantly, why the commenting counting? o_O If I based my friendships online off of that, I'd have no friends at all. =\

As much as I want to stay out of wank, I'm going to have to agree with

jaydesummers. I'm sure if everyone chatted together, privately, a happy resolution could be reached. :(

Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being.

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LOOK OUT IT'S A TEAL DEER!

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Miharu---> rp journal

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Funny quote