(no subject)

I had a whole set of those lovely nightmares where you wake up and know its not only true, but worse.

Idk. I hoped I'd wake up to some kind of message. But it was probably stupid to assume this has even broken her stride. I don’t understand how easily she cuts people out, but I'm sure its been done to me now too.

I just...don’t understand how I'm so disposable. Over and over this happens, its gotta be me...I just dunno what is wrong with me. I really thought...idk. Ju was SO important to me, I would have done anything to make this work and she wouldn't do anything. Just toss me out when she's done with me. Everyone leave, and someone saying this is gonna say "I won't I would never..." but Ju was suppose to be one of my nevers. And idk...to her it just didn't matter? She wasn't even that upset last night. She wouldn't try to work on things (cause we argue all the time....our last argument was 4 months ago)

I just...idk. and I can't shake the feeling that a lot of why she left is because I'm a chick which is BS. But in the end I was unimportant. 7 years thrown out. I juat feel so used and worthless and I can't really handle that I'm not ever gonna have Ju in my life again. And that that was just fine and dandy for her. I was painting the furniture thing and got all excited to show her and just started bawling last night cause...she doesn't want to see, she doesn't give a fuck. She is glad to be done with clingy, demanding Terra.

I just wanna rip this all out.

/on Ki's computer for 5 minutes

Paul was pretty much awesome and made for me. Personally. I loved it a lot. Alot alot.

And there is an actor in it who is also NDK staff and wearing his NDK t-shirt (The sword dealer at comic con), which was pretty awesome.

Afterwards Cold as Ice started as soon as we got in the car, and neither me nor Bev knew whether to laugh of cry. Oy. It is just starting to sink in and upset Bev, now, too. And thank you guys for all the kind comments, I just...am replying generally from my cell phone so...not generally replying much.

Also we ARE going to Otakon, and will be spending time in the New York area. Less so in DC given current events. So if anyone wants to see us, lemme know.

idle hands

What the quotes are for.